America: Who’s in charge? Not Joe or Kamala!
As the world teeters on the edge of World War III, the American people are left asking one burning question: Where in the world are Joe Biden and Kamala Harris? Spoiler alert: Joe’s sort of there, and Kamala’s busy perfecting her tan in Hawaii. Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi has reportedly been spotted buying up defense stocks like she’s preparing for Survivor: Apocalypse Edition.
Biden’s Mental Missile Crisis
President Biden, tasked with making pivotal decisions in a high-stakes global conflict, has chosen his signature leadership style: zoning out. When authorizing the shipment of American-made missiles to Ukraine, Biden reportedly asked, “Do these missiles come with ice cream?” Sources say he spent the rest of the meeting reminiscing about his 1957 Dodge Dart that “totally could have beaten Sputnik.”
Pressed for comments on the escalating tensions between Ukraine and Russia, Biden vaguely gestured toward a globe on his desk and said, “That’s a lot of countries.” His staff, visibly panicked, quickly ended the press conference before he could confuse Ukraine with his childhood friend “Corn Pop.”
Kamala’s Hawaiian Holiday
Vice President Kamala Harris, proving once again that she’s the queen of delegation, has decided to lead the nation—remotely—from the beaches of Hawaii. “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” she explained to reporters while sipping a pineapple daiquiri.
Asked about her absence during a global crisis, Harris responded, “This situation reminds me of a time when I was a little girl and my mother told me, ‘Kamala, the tide always rises.’ That’s what diplomacy is. Rising tides... and good vibes.” She then offered a round of free leis to her press entourage before disappearing into a surf shop.
Nancy Pelosi’s War Chest (Literally)
While Biden is mentally MIA and Kamala is perfecting her hula moves, Nancy Pelosi is making her own moves—on Wall Street. Rumors are swirling that Pelosi has been buying up defense stocks faster than you can say conflict of interest.
An anonymous source claims Pelosi was overheard whispering, “Raytheon, Lockheed, Northrop... this is better than GameStop.” Experts suggest Pelosi’s newfound enthusiasm for defense stocks might mean she knows something we don’t. After all, why wait for missiles to fly when you can profit off the launch?
North Korea and the UK: Supporting Characters in This Tragicomedy
Adding to the global absurdity, the UK has stepped into the fray with their own missile shipments under Operation Tea & Turmoil. Meanwhile, North Korea has pledged support for Russia, because of course they have. Kim Jong Un even released a statement that read, “Missiles are just like fireworks, but bigger. We’re here for the show.”
AWOL Leadership in the Face of Chaos
While other world leaders scramble to prevent disaster, America’s top brass seems to have hit the snooze button. The global community is left scratching their heads, wondering why the world’s most powerful nation is being led by a president who thinks GPS stands for “Great Potato Salad” and a vice president who treats crises like layovers.
Critics have dubbed their leadership style “The Great Vanishing Act,” with Biden as the “Ghost Commander” and Kamala as the “Vacation Veep.” Even their biggest supporters are struggling to spin this one, with one White House aide admitting, “It’s like they’re playing hide-and-seek, but the stakes are nuclear.”
Meanwhile, Back in Reality...
As the world spirals toward chaos, Pelosi’s portfolio swells, Biden’s aides play babysitter, and Kamala enjoys beachfront sunsets. Perhaps it’s time for a new kind of leadership—one where showing up is the first step. Until then, Americans can rest easy knowing their leaders are somewhere... probably.
And who knows? Maybe Pelosi’s defense stock hustle will end up funding the next round of government stimulus checks. After all, if you can’t beat the system, you might as well profit from it.
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