McDonald’s: Endorsed by Liz Cheney, But Still 100% Kamala-Free
Political historians will one day tell tales of legendary endorsements that changed the course of American elections. This, one of those stories, but only in reverse.
In a move that can only be described as “political self-sabotage on steroids,” former Wyoming Republican Rep. Liz Cheney threw her weight behind Kamala Harris in the final days of the 2024 election. Cheney’s endorsement was supposed to hurt Donald Trump. Instead, it turned into a comedy of errors that delivered Pennsylvania and Michigan to him on a silver platter, complete with engraved "Thank You" notes from the voters.
Cheney’s endorsement, which Harris hoped would “galvanize the middle,” instead had the same effect on voters as finding mayonnaise in their coffee—confusing, unpleasant, and immediately regrettable.
Now, corporations are taking notes.
In a twist that could only happen in a world where politics and marketing collide, major companies are reportedly scrambling to sign Liz Cheney as their secret weapon to sabotage competitors. Polling revealed that Cheney’s endorsement of Kamala Harris backfired so spectacularly it actually helped Donald Trump win key swing states.
Industry insiders are dubbing this phenomenon “The Cheney Effect,” a term used to describe endorsements so toxic they become the equivalent of handing your opponent a golden ticket to victory.
Burger King Makes Its Move
Burger King, tired of living in the shadow of the golden arches, is reportedly leading the charge. Sources close to the fast-food giant revealed plans for a multimillion-dollar deal to have Liz Cheney publicly endorse McDonald’s.
“Look, we’ve tried everything—better burgers, creepy mascots, even those weird paper crowns,” said a Burger King marketing executive. “But nothing will bury McDonald’s quite like Liz Cheney gushing about how much she loves a Big Mac.”
A leaked script of Cheney’s proposed commercial includes lines like, “I stand with McDonald’s, just like I stood with Kamala Harris,” and, “Nothing says American democracy like a McFlurry.” Analysts predict McDonald’s sales would plummet within 48 hours.
Big Tobacco Eyes Cheney
Not to be outdone, cigarette companies are reportedly exploring Cheney’s potential as a spokesperson for their anti-smoking campaigns. “If Cheney tells people to stop smoking, we expect Marlboro sales to double overnight,” said a tobacco industry insider.
In one proposed ad, Cheney dramatically declares, “I urge you to quit smoking. It’s what Kamala Harris would want.” Focus groups reportedly found that smokers lit up just hearing her voice.
Cheney’s Other Endorsement Flops
The rush to harness “The Cheney Effect” comes after Data for Progress revealed that Cheney’s endorsement of Kamala Harris turned off nearly 3-in-10 independent voters in Pennsylvania. “It was like watching someone try to sell sand in the desert,” one political analyst remarked.
Polling also showed that when Harris campaigned with Cheney, enthusiasm among Michigan voters dropped faster than a Kamala Harris word salad. “People didn’t know what they hated more: Cheney’s constitutional lectures or Harris’ ability to turn a simple sentence into a Rubik’s Cube,” said a campaign staffer.
Endorsement Wars Heat Up
Rumors are swirling that other companies are jumping on the Cheney bandwagon. Pepsi is allegedly in talks to have Cheney endorse Coca-Cola, while Ford is eyeing a deal for Cheney to rave about Chevrolet. Even Spotify is rumored to be negotiating with Cheney to endorse Apple Music in an effort to reclaim the streaming throne.
Meanwhile, savvy marketers are exploring whether other Harris-endorsed personalities might have similar effects. Reports suggest that Mike Pence is being courted by Nike to endorse Adidas, while several paper straw manufacturers are eager to recruit Kamala Harris herself to promote plastic straws.
The Marketers Speak
“Cheney has done the impossible,” said PR guru and marketing consultant Jenna Wall. “She’s turned political endorsements into a reverse psychology masterclass. Hiring her to endorse your competitor isn’t just smart—it’s genius.”
Wall predicts that Cheney’s newfound role as the “anti-influencer” will revolutionize marketing. “We’re in a whole new era of endorsements,” she said. “If this keeps up, Liz Cheney could become the highest-paid unintentional corporate saboteur in history.”
Trump Weighs In
Even Donald Trump couldn’t resist commenting on Cheney’s sudden pivot to corporate warfare. “Liz Cheney endorsing McDonald’s? That’s big news, folks. Maybe she can help them like she helped me—by losing!” Trump quipped at a rally.
“Frankly, I should get a cut of her deals,” he added. “Without me, she wouldn’t even be famous enough to ruin things!”
The Future of The Cheney Effect
As corporations line up to harness “The Cheney Effect,” one thing is clear: Liz Cheney’s endorsements are now the political and corporate kiss of death.
In her own words, Cheney addressed the buzz surrounding her new career path: “My mission has always been to protect democracy. If that means endorsing McDonald’s to save Burger King, I’m ready to serve.”
And just like that, Liz Cheney might have found her true calling—not as a politician, but as the ultimate secret weapon in the battle of brands.
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