One man. Two roles. Zero accountability.
Washington, D.C. – The Department of Justice was abuzz this morning as Special Counsel Jack Smith, in a legal move that can only be described as groundbreaking, subpoenaed himself. Yes, you read that correctly. The man leading some of the most high-profile investigations in modern history has inadvertently become both the prosecutor and the defendant in his own case.
“It’s the most compelling case of my career,” Smith said in a hastily arranged press conference, holding up a subpoena with his own name on it. “I’ve uncovered damning evidence that implicates myself in… well, something. And as a relentless seeker of justice, I won’t stop until I hold myself accountable.”
The Accusations Against… Himself
Though the charges remain unclear, insiders suggest Smith may have accidentally implicated himself in “gross prosecutorial enthusiasm,” an affliction known to strike high-profile attorneys who spend too much time staring at filing cabinets.
“This is a man who’s subpoenaed everyone from Donald Trump’s dry cleaner to the guy who stocks the vending machines in Mar-a-Lago,” said legal analyst Morgan Starch. “Frankly, it was only a matter of time before he circled back to himself.”
Sources close to the investigation claim Smith's legal team is currently building a case against him for “conducting overly zealous investigations while sleep-deprived” and “attempting to subpoena a box of expired Ritz crackers labeled as classified documents.”
The Trial of the Century
Smith, undeterred by the glaring conflict of interest, has promised a fair trial. “I will pursue myself with the full force of the law,” he declared. “No stone will be left unturned—especially the stones I threw.”
Courtroom insiders expect Smith to take the stand in his own defense, which raises logistical questions. Will he cross-examine himself? Will he object to his own questions? Will he yell, “I rest my case!” and immediately counter with, “Not so fast!”?
One thing is certain: the trial will be streamed live on C-SPAN, where millions of Americans can tune in to watch Smith aggressively argue with himself while a confused judge nervously sips water.
The Reactions
Reaction to the self-subpoena has been swift and merciless.
“Only in Washington could someone manage to turn the legal system into an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm,” quipped Senator Ted Cruz.
CNN dubbed it “the most important self-reflective moment in American jurisprudence.”
Meanwhile, Twitter erupted with hashtags like #SmithVsSmith and #ProsecuteThyself.
Even former President Donald Trump weighed in, calling it “the greatest legal circus of all time,” before adding, “If Jack Smith is prosecuting Jack Smith, I’m suing myself for defamation just to keep up!”
What’s Next?
Legal scholars are scrambling to determine whether Smith can legally indict himself or if this will set a new precedent in self-incrimination. Regardless, Smith remains unfazed. “Justice is blind,” he said, “and in this case, she’s also cross-eyed.”
Rumors abound that Netflix is already planning a documentary series titled Me, Myself, and Indictment, chronicling the trial that will pit Jack Smith against his most formidable opponent yet: himself.
As the first hearing looms, the nation waits with bated breath. Will Jack Smith convict himself? Will he accept a plea deal? Or will he issue a pardon to himself, just to really stick it to his critics?
One thing’s for sure: this is a case for the history books. Or at least, the comedy section of the library.
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