Justice for All—As Long As You Can Afford the Legal Fees.
New York City, NY – In a groundbreaking announcement that left legal clerks cheering and torch-repair contractors scratching their heads, New York Attorney General Letitia James unveiled her latest initiative: rebranding the Statue of Liberty as the Statue of Litigation. The iconic torch of freedom will be replaced with a bronze gavel, symbolizing "the unrelenting pursuit of justice—or at least a good headline," according to James. The statue’s tablet will be swapped for a stack of legal briefs, while Lady Liberty herself will don a new blindfold with “Lawfare” embroidered in gold.
“This is not just a statue; it’s a statement,” James declared during a press conference on Liberty Island, flanked by a legal team armed with binders thicker than Manhattan phone books. “For too long, this symbol of freedom has been associated with outdated ideals like hope and opportunity. In modern New York, nothing screams freedom louder than the sound of a well-filed lawsuit.”
“Litigation for All”
The rebranding comes with a bold new slogan: Give me your huddled masses, yearning to be deposed. A marble plaque at the statue’s base will outline the steps for filing class-action lawsuits, with multilingual guides available for those hoping to "settle their way into the American Dream."
Tourists will also enjoy interactive exhibits, including a mock deposition chamber where visitors can take the oath, nervously sip water, and have their every word twisted by a fictional corporate defense lawyer.
“It’s so immersive!” said one tourist. “I learned I could be sued just for taking a selfie here without proper permits. Amazing!”
Justice Redefined: Turning Legal Strategy into Political Artillery
In unveiling the Statue of Litigation, Letitia James made it clear that "attorney privilege" in New York now means wielding the full might of the legal system to target political opponents. "It’s not just about justice," James quipped, "it’s about ensuring the scales of litigation always tip in the right direction—ours."
Critics argue this approach weaponizes the courts to attack figures like Donald Trump, turning lawsuits into political tools and due process into a spectacle. But James dismisses such concerns, declaring, “This isn’t lawfare—it’s a love letter to democracy. And if democracy gets buried under mountains of paperwork? Well, at least the filings are airtight."
Torching Traditions
Critics have raised concerns about the cost of the rebranding, estimated to rival the GDP of a small country. However, James dismissed these concerns with her signature wit. “Do you know how much money we’ll save in legal fees by just preemptively suing ourselves?” she asked, drawing applause from a crowd of paralegals. “Besides, the Statue of Litigation will better reflect the city’s core values: billable hours, unending paperwork, and that sweet, sweet settlement cash.”
The rebranding also includes a partnership with the New York Bar Association, which plans to offer special discounts on continuing education credits for lawyers who visit the statue. “Think of it as a pilgrimage,” James said. “Lawyers deserve monuments too.”
Merchandising Justice
The statue’s gift shop is undergoing a makeover as well, swapping miniature torches for collectible gavels and novelty ‘Cease and Desist’ fridge magnets. A best-selling item so far is a plush Lady Liberty holding a tiny restraining order, with proceeds benefiting the Fund for Frivolous Litigation.
Local eateries are joining the excitement, unveiling themed menu items like Subpoena Strombolis and Class-Action Cocktails. The latter is described as “a strong mix of spirits and disappointment—just like any civil proceeding.”
From Beacon to Beacon of Bureaucracy
Asked whether this might dilute the statue’s historical significance, James brushed off the concern. “Lady Liberty still stands for the same values she always has,” she explained. “It’s just that in New York, those values come with footnotes and the threat of litigation. This is a win for democracy—and for attorneys everywhere.” As the press conference wrapped up, James smiled for the cameras and raised her new motto high: In subpoenas we trust, because freedom is fleeting but court orders are forever.
Construction on the updated statue begins next month. Critics may sneer, but for now, the Statue of Litigation is a shining beacon to every lawyer who dreams of turning a simple disagreement into a multi-year court battle.
As James put it: “In the end, what’s more American than that?
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