Apparently, the only thing LA's leaders know how to extinguish is accountability.
LOS ANGELES—In a shocking yet unsurprising revelation, a recent study has uncovered the real reason why Los Angeles fire hydrants are bone dry, reservoirs resemble kiddie pools after a heatwave, and the city is cutting funding for fire management. While illegal immigrants continue to receive free healthcare and housing courtesy of California taxpayers, another fiery culprit has emerged: the staggering salaries of LA’s self-proclaimed “Fem Five,” a team of highly paid, diversity-certified female leaders in the city’s fire and water departments.
In total, the Fem Five are raking in more than $2.3 million annually in salaries alone. This doesn’t include benefits, which likely rival the GDP of a small country. And what’s the city getting in return? Dry fire hydrants, an empty waterworks budget, and the satisfaction of having the best DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) record in the nation. If you’re going to burn to the ground, at least you can do it with progressive pride.
The Million-Dollar Women Behind the Flames
The study names three key figures in the LA fire department who are collectively paid over $1 million per year:
Barbara Ferrer: With a salary and benefits package exceeding $600,000, Ferrer has expertly navigated the dual roles of public health czar and paycheck enthusiast. Whether managing pandemics or avoiding wildfire prevention, she’s got it covered!
Janisse Quiñones: The city’s waterworks director earns a cool $750,000 per year. One wonders if she’s being paid extra to not find water for the hydrants.
The DEI Trinity: Leading the charge for “progress over practicality,” three lesbian leaders helm the LA fire department, ensuring that inclusivity burns brighter than actual flames.
Together, these trailblazing women have achieved what no one thought possible: proving that even as the city literally burns, equity and representation can still thrive.
“We Don’t Need Water, We Have Representation!”
At a press conference celebrating LA’s record-setting DEI achievements, Mayor Karen Bass was all smiles as she Face Timed her hairstylist. “I want to thank these incredible women for their service, their sacrifices, and their sizable salaries,” Bass said. “Who needs functioning fire hydrants when we’re smashing the glass ceiling—metaphorically, of course. We’d need water to put out the flames if we did it literally.”
When asked about the ongoing cuts to fire department funding, Bass shrugged. “We had to make tough choices. Sure, we could have invested in fire prevention, but then how would we afford these inspirational salaries? Paying Barbara Ferrer $600k is more important than putting out fires—she's a hero in her own way!”
Bass also emphasized that under her administration, LA has achieved the highest level of inclusivity in its fire department. “We’re leading the nation with three lesbian leaders at the helm,” she beamed. “This is proof that when women break barriers, nothing can stop them—except a firetruck stuck at a dry hydrant.”
Cutting Fire Funding for “More Important” Projects
The report also highlighted the city’s spending priorities, which have led to slashed budgets for fire prevention and management. Instead of addressing California’s infamous underbrush buildup or stocking reservoirs, LA has chosen to direct resources to:
Free healthcare and housing for illegal immigrants
$15 million for a DEI mural of a firefighter holding hands with a tree
$1 billion for various “consulting” contracts that produced 12-page reports about the “cultural significance of fire”
Asked why these programs were prioritized over fire safety, a city official explained, “We’re building a future that’s inclusive, sustainable, and empathetic. If that means cutting fire department funding, so be it. Fire is natural anyway. Who are we to interrupt nature?”
“At Least the Pay Gap Is Gone!”
Despite LA’s pyrotechnic predicament, some residents have applauded the city’s commitment to equal pay. “I used to complain about how women earn less than men,” said one local activist. “Now I’m watching my house burn down because they earn more. Progress is progress!”
Others pointed to the Fem Five’s salaries as proof that the city’s priorities are finally aligned with modern values. “Sure, the fire hydrants are empty, and the underbrush hasn’t been cleared since the Reagan administration,” said one observer. “But at least LA is on the right side of history. Who needs water when you have equality?”
Conclusion: Burning Bright with Lunacy
While Los Angeles burns, its leaders remain committed to progress over practicality. With salaries that would make Wall Street executives blush, the Fem Five stand as a shining example of what happens when DEI takes precedence over, well, literally everything else.
So the next time you see a wildfire raging in LA, just remember: it’s not about the lack of water, the dried-up reservoirs, or the nonexistent budget for fire prevention. It’s about representation, equity, and the knowledge that while your home may be a pile of ashes, at least those in charge are diverse, empowered, and well-compensated.
Disclaimer:
As someone who has personally experienced the devastation of losing everything in a house fire, I deeply empathize with the people of Los Angeles and the unimaginable pain they are going through. This article is not intended to make light of the tragedy unfolding in California. Rather, it is a parody designed to highlight the consequences of unchecked government policies and misplaced priorities.
The resources diverted to illegal immigration, failure to address water management and wildfire prevention, and the overemphasis on DEI and woke agendas have created the conditions for these preventable tragedies—not global warming, as Governor Newsom wants you to believe.
This is a call to accountability for leaders like Governor Newsom and Mayor Karen Bass, who have failed to fulfill the responsibilities they were entrusted with. Their incompetence and refusal to accept responsibility for their actions are directly tied to the worsening crises in the state. Leaders who perpetually blame everyone except themselves must be held accountable and removed from office.
Lastly, this article is not a criticism of women in leadership roles. Leadership should be earned through merit, not handed out as part of a symbolic virtue signal. The exorbitant salaries paid to individuals based solely on identity politics, rather than capability, are not only wasteful but insult the hardworking taxpayers who deserve better governance.
This is a critique of policy and leadership, not of the victims of the ongoing tragedy.
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