All the News That Fits Our Narrative. If we Ignore It, It’s Not News.
In a stunning but unsurprising turn of events, the legacy media—formerly known as "journalists"—has been officially rebranded as the "Selective Outrage Division" of the Democratic Party. This announcement came after an extensive, decades-long undercover operation to avoid covering any story that might reflect poorly on their chosen political team.
The Highlights of Hypocrisy
Let’s recap the hits that didn’t make headlines. And trust us, this list is far from exhaustive—just a small sampling of scandals that conveniently get filed under “nothing to see here.”
Ashley Biden’s diary revealing her father's "inappropriate showers" with her? Not a peep. Perhaps they mistook it for a creative writing project.
Hunter Biden's laptop featuring underage girls and crack pipe selfies? Clearly, the media thought it was an avant-garde art
installation.
Hunter Biden’s foreign business deals, selling access to the "Big Guy," and raking in millions from foreign governments? Apparently, that’s just "entrepreneurial spirit."
The Biden family’s criminal enterprise with a network of bank accounts set up to funnel foreign money to family members? Don’t worry, CNN assures us it’s just "creative wealth management."
Tim Walz’s alleged inappropriate relationship with a male student and frequenting gay bars while moonlighting as a professor and coach? Just Tim “expanding his mentorship program,” per media sources.
Douglas Emhoff (Kamala’s husband) allegedly slapping an ex-girlfriend and impregnating his nanny? Well, that’s just family bonding with a plot twist.
ActBlue, the Democrats' fundraising powerhouse, has received suspicious contributions potentially funneled from foreign governments? Nothing to see here, folks—move along.
Nancy Pelosi and numerous other politicians engaging in blatant insider trading while passing laws that would destroy anyone else for doing the same? Apparently, it's just “savvy investing.”
$18.2 million of Uncle Sammy’s finest tax dollars have been funneled into what we might call the Congressional Silence Fund. Yes, you heard that right! Over the past quarter-century, our beloved representatives have settled 291 cases of "Oops, I did it again" moments with taxpayer money. This fund, more elusive than Bigfoot, has been used not just for hush money but for “please forget this ever happened” money.
Biden and Harris "misplacing" 325,000 migrant children and ignoring whistleblower testimony that some ended up with known criminals? A minor clerical error, of course.
But if a Republican congresswoman from South Carolina dares to suggest that biological men shouldn’t use women’s bathrooms? BREAKING NEWS ALERT. CNN immediately deploys their entire newsroom, six media teams and Anderson Cooper's raised eyebrow for a week-long symposium on "The Threat of Bathroom Gatekeeping."
Remember, this is just the short list. If hypocrisy were an Olympic sport, the media and their political allies would take home the gold every time.
When Real Scandals Get Ghosted
While the Biden family’s greatest hits gather dust in the media's memory hole, outlets like MSNBC and CNN can't stop obsessing over "unsubstantiated allegations" against Matt Gaetz and Pete Hegseth. Gaetz was apparently seen sneezing near a high school once, and Hegseth may or may not have given a strong handshake to someone who didn’t like it. Clearly, grounds for 24/7 news coverage.
A Masterclass in Silence
The media’s silence on these stories isn’t incompetence; it’s a deliberate, well-oiled machine of selective outrage. When pressed for comment, an unnamed producer from a prominent cable news network said, “Look, justice isn’t profitable. Protecting the narrative is. We’re not here to report the news; we’re here to curate it for maximum Democrat appeal.”
Meanwhile, Americans are left scratching their heads, wondering how 325,000 missing children and explicit family scandals are somehow less newsworthy than the bathroom preferences of one congresswoman.
Legacy Media’s Official Motto: ‘If We Don’t Report It, It Didn’t Happen’
The "Selective Outrage Division" defended its track record, stating: "We are committed to reporting the stories that matter most to our advertisers, donors, and Democrat politicians. Ashley Biden’s diary? Old news. Hunter Biden’s laptop? Russian disinformation, obviously. Unsubstantiated dirt on a Republican? BREAKING: MORE AT 11."
When Will It End?
Probably never. The Selective Outrage Division shows no signs of slowing down. But remember, it’s not about truth, justice, or consistency. It’s about protecting power and ensuring that the media remains the Democrats’ favorite propaganda machine.
Stay tuned for next week’s 24-hour coverage of a Republican jaywalking, brought to you by The Most Trusted Name in Partisan News.
Disclaimer
This article is written in the spirit of parody and satire; however, the events, claims, and issues mentioned within are based on real reports and documented incidents. While some allegations, such as those involving Tim Walz, remain unproven and are categorized as alleged, they are serious matters that warrant thorough investigation. Contrast this with the media’s treatment of certain Republican figures like Matt Gaetz, where even unsubstantiated claims are amplified to the highest degree.
The purpose of this piece is to expose the blatant manipulation by the mass media, which dictates what is important and how the public should perceive these matters. This selective outrage and narrative-driven reporting is not journalism—it’s propaganda,
and it undermines the very principles of truth and accountability that the media claims to uphold.
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