Welcome to the National RINO Park: Where spineless bipartisanship thrives!"
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a heartfelt plea from the Senate floor today, Senator Lindsey Graham unveiled his bold new proposal: the creation of a National RINO Park to protect what he described as the "precious, dwindling population of moderate Republicans."
“We’re facing a crisis,” Graham declared to a half-empty chamber. “Once, the RINOs roamed freely across Capitol Hill, effortlessly caving to Democrat agendas and reaching across the aisle like political gazelles grazing on bipartisan grass. But now, we’re critically endangered. It’s time to act!”
Joining Graham in his efforts was Congressman John Curtis, who enthusiastically co-sponsored the initiative. "We’re a rare species of Republican—completely spineless but critical for Democrat ecosystems," Curtis explained during a press conference. “Without us, how would Democrats push through trillion-dollar spending bills or omnibus packages filled with pork? The balance of nature is at stake!”
A Sanctuary for Moderation
The proposed park, to be funded by a modest $3.5 billion grant (or, as Graham calls it, "just a drop in the omnibus bucket"), would feature spacious enclosures where moderate Republicans can roam without fear of MAGA primary challengers. Special habitats would include:
The Compromise Corral: A designated area for bipartisan photo-ops and handshake marathons.
The Pork Barrel Pond: A serene body of water filled with earmarks, where RINOs can feed comfortably without judgment.
The Fence-Sitter’s Ledge: A carefully designed perch for endless contemplation and noncommittal press statements.
Opposition Mounts
Not everyone is on board with Graham’s plan. Senator Josh Hawley dismissed the proposal as “a woke zoo for career politicians,” while Marjorie Taylor Greene declared she would personally “liberate” any RINOs trapped inside the park. “America doesn’t need a RINO sanctuary,” Greene shouted in a Facebook Live video, “We need a MAGA migration!”
A Future Worth Preserving
Despite the controversy, Graham remains undeterred. “When our children ask us what happened to the RINOs, do we want to tell them we let them disappear? Or do we want to show them a thriving National RINO Park, where bipartisanship blossoms and the filibuster lives on?”
As reporters pressed for specifics on the project, Curtis leaned into the microphone and delivered a poignant warning: “Without us, Washington would collapse under the weight of its own gridlock. Think of us as the duct tape of democracy—flimsy, temporary, but somehow holding it all together.”
The National RINO Park is expected to break ground next spring—pending Democrat approval, of course.
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