In an unprecedented move that has both Capitol Hill and neighborhood watch groups scratching their heads, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has introduced her most ambitious piece of legislation yet: The "Cops to Caregivers Act." Under the new bill, all police officers across the nation will be replaced with certified social workers armed with nothing but body cams, conflict resolution pamphlets, and cozy emotional support sweaters.
The bill, affectionately dubbed "Operation Cozy Care," proposes that these social workers will patrol the streets, equipped with body cams to ensure transparency and soft, fuzzy sweaters that feature soothing pastel colors and motivational quotes like "Keep Calm and Care On." These sweaters are designed not only to keep the social workers warm but also to serve as a calming influence on anyone they might encounter."
Imagine a world where every potential conflict is met not with force, but with a heartfelt conversation and a warm cup of organic, fair-trade chamomile tea," Ocasio-Cortez explained during a 40-minute Instagram Live session, intermittently sipping her own mug of what one can only assume was a prototype of "justice juice."
The congresswoman outlined her vision of future law enforcement, or as she calls it, "feelings enforcement," which will see social workers using their body cams to stream encounters live to a panel of therapists, life coaches, and that one yoga instructor everyone swears by. In cases of more severe disturbances, the social workers will have the authority to call for backup in the form of comfort dogs and portable zen gardens.
Critics of the bill have called it impractical, citing concerns about the logistics of producing over 800,000 sweaters and the potential hazards of deploying aromatherapy diffusers in high-speed chases. However, supporters of the bill are enthusiastic. "It's high time we address the root causes of crime, like gluten intolerance and unresolved childhood competitions in little league sports," said one supporter, waving a banner made from recycled protest signs.
In response to questions about how these social workers would handle armed and dangerous criminals, Ocasio-Cortez suggested that the power of interpretive dance and assertive journaling should not be underestimated. "Nothing disarms a hardened criminal like an unexpected dance-off and the opportunity to express their feelings.
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