NEW YORK, NY—In an unprecedented twist to legal NY's proceedings, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg announced at a recent press conference that he is considering filing a civil lawsuit against former President Donald Trump. The lawsuit alleges that Trump is directly responsible for Bragg's significant weight gain over the past year—a whopping 80 pounds added to his already robust frame of 325 pounds.
"Before this trial, I was a lean 325 pounds, light on my feet, able to leap out of a taxi cab unassisted," Bragg lamented to a room of bewildered reporters while a PowerPoint slide showed a graph of his escalating weight overlaid with Trump’s Twitter activity. "Now, look at me—chained to these triple-XL suits and buying two seats on flights to avoid brushing elbows with the common man."
According to Bragg, the stress induced by trying to pinpoint a crime to charge Trump with has led to sleepless nights, during which he finds solace only in large bags of cheese balls and late-night infomercial shopping sprees. "It's Trump’s fault," Bragg declared, wiping orange dust onto his trousers. "His constant barrage of lawsuits and mean tweets has me stress-eating at 3 a.m."
In a detailed breakdown of his trauma, Bragg listed his grievances including the cost of a new wardrobe and the "humiliation of being mistaken for a sumo wrestler at a sushi bar." The financial strain has been non-trivial, he noted, with receipts meticulously documenting his transition from “Big and Tall” to “Is there anything bigger?”
Adding to his litany of woes, Bragg shared a particularly embarrassing incident that underscored the severity of his dilemma. "Just last week, while walking through Manhattan trying to ponder the intricacies of legal statutes, someone pointed at me and screamed, 'It’s a Chinese spy balloon!'" Bragg recounted, his voice tinged with exasperation. "I mean, come on—just because I'm round and moving slowly doesn’t mean I'm collecting intelligence." This unexpected comparison not only added to his stress but has since made him wary of open skies and breezy days.
Adding to the theatrical, Bragg revealed surveillance footage from the courthouse showing a figure resembling Trump sneaking what appeared to be a double chocolate cupcake onto Bragg's desk. "This is no mere coincidence," Bragg insisted. "It's a calculated attempt to derail my fitness goals."
The DA’s office also leaked several intercepted calls where individuals, purportedly from the Trump camp, were heard ordering hundreds of pizzas to Bragg's office "as a show of support." Bragg claims this as further proof of sabotage.
Legal experts are baffled by the potential lawsuit, with one seasoned lawyer commenting, "In my 40 years of practice, I've never seen anything quite like this. Can you really sue someone for giving you cupcakes and pizza? If so, I have a bone to pick with my grandmother."
Meanwhile, in a statement from Mar-a-Lago, Trump dismissed the allegations as "yet another witch hunt," and quipped that perhaps Bragg should join him on the golf course for a little exercise.
As Bragg gears up for what might be his most personal case yet, the world watches and waits, some in anticipation, others in bewilderment, and most with a new-found caution about leaving cupcakes unattended.
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