So, you've decided to raise your little bundle of joy in a nursery as neutral as Switzerland, avoiding the oppressive pinks and blues that could scar their precious psyche for life. Here’s your guide to crafting a sanctuary so gender-neutral, your baby might just identify as "Maybe" until they’re old enough to choose their own pronouns—and furniture.
Color Schemes: Shades of Beige
First off, pick a color palette that screams "I'm not here to conform." Beige, greige, and taupe are your best friends. Avoid any hues that might accidentally suggest a gender. Even white is too aggressive. Instead, aim for shades that evoke the blandness of oatmeal or the DMV waiting area.
Toys: The Great Neutralizers
When it comes to toys, think neutral. Forget dolls or trucks. Opt for items that don’t push any narrative—like a wooden block. Or better yet, just get a rock. Rocks are nature’s perfect non-binary playthings. They don’t roll, beep, or come in pink or blue. Just a simple, unassuming rock that says, “I could be anything, or I could be nothing at all.” Remember, your goal is to create a space so neutral that even an insurance seminar would seem exciting by comparison.
Clothing: Fashionably Ambiguous
Dress your little one in the most ambiguous attire possible. Avoid anything with ruffles, bows, or ties—these are gateways to gender assumptions. Instead, choose clothing that resembles a burlap sack. Earth tones, remember? Add a hat that covers the head completely, just in case someone tries to guess gender based on hair length. Basically, aim for an outfit that would make your baby blend seamlessly into a 1920s Dust Bowl photograph.
Furniture: Functional and Forgettable
Your nursery furniture should be as noncommittal as a politician during an election year. Cribs that look like boxes, changing tables that resemble crates—anything that doesn’t scream, “I’m here for a boy or a girl!” You want pieces that are so functionally generic, they could be mistaken for Swedish flat-pack furniture rejects.
Decor: The Art of Nothingness
Art is tricky. You don’t want anything that might suggest a storyline. No animals (could suggest hunting or nurturing), no plants (could imply growth, which could be problematic). Opt for abstract shapes that don’t resemble anything in particular. Aim for decorations that make guests question if they’ve accidentally wandered into an avant-garde art exhibit instead of a nursery.
Books: Adventures in Ambiguity
Finally, the library. Stock up on books that tell stories about...well, nothing specific. Avoid fairy tales (too many princes and princesses), adventure stories (too heroic), or anything with talking animals (way too gendered). Look for titles like "The Book of Blank Pages" or "The Story of Silence." These are perfect for fostering a sense of maybe-ness in your child.
By following these tips, you’ll create a nursery so neutral, it’ll be the Switzerland of baby rooms. Who knows? Your "Maybe Baby" might just thank you for it—if they ever decide what they are. Until then, enjoy the beige!
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