From war zones to menstruation zones—Walz is always on duty!
When Tim Walz was announced as Kamala Harris’s vice-presidential running mate, Americans were finally introduced to Minnesota’s best-kept secret: a walking, talking gaffe machine. Whether it was inflating his military credentials to "war zone veteran" levels or spinning yarns that could rival a Hemingway novel, Walz left the nation wondering if Minnesota had elected a governor or a stand-up comedian.
Now that the election is behind him, Walz finds himself out of the VP race and likely out of the governor’s office after his term. With re-election rumors swirling down the drain, speculation is mounting: what’s next for this legend of embellishment? Lucky for Walz, his “unique” resume opens doors to all kinds of absurd opportunities.
Let’s dive into the top 10 careers Tim Walz could pursue.
1. Tampon Sales Representative
Who better to champion menstrual equity than the man who mandated tampons in boys’ bathrooms? Walz could turn this awkward policy into a lucrative business venture, traveling the country with slogans like “Periods Have No Gender!” and hosting demonstrations in middle school gymnasiums. Imagine his pitch: “When it comes to inclusive menstruation products, I’m your guy.”
2. Ghostwriter: How to Be a War Hero Without Actually Going to War
Given Walz’s flair for creating military fiction, a career as a ghostwriter seems fitting. His first project? A gripping memoir titled Frontline Fables: Tales of a Desk Job in Uniform. Chapters include riveting stories about dodging staplers and braving the copier paper jam of ’03.
3. Male Cheerleading Coach
With his trademark enthusiasm and lack of self-awareness, Walz would bring an unintentional comedic flair to any squad. His signature routine? “The Minnesota Mambo,” where he combines jazz hands with exaggerated salutes to honor his “military service.” Critics may laugh, but Walz insists his cheerleading is just as heroic as storming a battlefield.
4. Spokesperson for “Fact-Free Fridays”
Walz’s unique ability to say anything with confidence makes him the perfect face for a new initiative: Fact-Free Fridays. Each week, participants are encouraged to tell the most ridiculous lies they can muster, inspired by Walz’s greatest hits. From claiming you ran a marathon to insisting you invented Post-it Notes, it’s all fair game.
5. Chief Strategist for the “Minneapolis Mayhem” LARP Club
Given his uncanny ability to blur reality and fantasy, Walz could easily slide into the world of live-action role-playing (LARPing). As Chief Strategist for Minneapolis Mayhem, Walz would lead epic “battles,” armed with nothing but a foam sword and his delusions of grandeur. His catchphrase? “You can’t fact-check imagination!”
6. Twitter Motivational Guru
Who needs Tony Robbins when you’ve got Tim Walz? With tweets like, “The best way to lead is to embellish!” and “Your truth is what you make it,” Walz could inspire millions to reach for the stars—or at least invent their own. Paid subscribers get exclusive content, like tips on how to turn minor achievements into Congressional Medal-worthy accomplishments.
7. Mall Santa’s Assistant
If there’s one thing Walz excels at, it’s telling kids fantastical stories. As a mall Santa assistant, he’d be responsible for whispering elaborate backstories to Santa about the children’s Christmas wishes. “This little girl is actually a secret princess,” he’d say. “And this boy? Future astronaut. I met him during my time on the Space Force…did I not mention that?”
8. Director of “The Great Exaggeration” Museum
This one’s a no-brainer. Walz would curate exhibits on the world’s greatest fibbers, from “George Washington’s Cherry Tree” to “Tim Walz’s Entire Political Career.” Visitors would marvel at artifacts like Walz’s “Combat Boot of Fiction” and his famous “Medal of Honor Replica (Self-Awarded).”
9. Reality Show Contestant: Minnesota Survivor
Imagine Walz on a reality show where contestants must survive the harsh Minnesota wilderness. The twist? Walz spends the entire show in a climate-controlled cabin, livestreaming tales of his “near-death” encounters with mosquitoes. Contestants quickly grow suspicious when Walz claims to have wrestled a bear for his dinner.
10. YouTube Sensation: “Tim Talks”
Walz launches a YouTube channel where he regales viewers with tales from his “illustrious” career. Episode titles include “That Time I Saved the Free World” and “How to Be a Governor Without Really Trying.” Each video ends with Walz winking at the camera and saying, “And that’s how I almost changed history!”
Final Thoughts
Tim Walz may not have made it to the White House, but his creativity knows no bounds. Whether he’s hawking tampons or spinning war stories for profit, one thing’s for sure: the man is committed to his craft—even if that craft is nonsense.
Disclaimer:
This article is purely satirical and not intended to disparage Tim Walz’s service to Minnesota—although, let’s be real, he makes it so easy.
Tim Walz Song (click to play) - Timmy, Timmy
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