Recruiter Red Flags and Auto Reject Alerts are going off regarding Tim Walz's background check. Even Democrats are starting to question if Walz could lie on the "little things," what "big" things is he also lying about? Most, if not all companies would not even bother with the interview process, because of the blatant lies he has made about his military career and rank. And even if he somehow survives the background check, Walz would then have to defend his DUI arrest from 1995, which raises serious concerns about his judgment. Combine that with his radical record, and it’s not an easy feat. Walz's policies are so extreme they make Bernie Sanders look like a moderate—or put another way, Walz is Gavin Newsom without the nice hair.
Welcome to the wild world of modern American politics, where résumés are written in invisible ink, and background checks are about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. Enter Tim Walz, a man who somehow ascended to the political stratosphere, yet wouldn’t survive the hiring process at your local Walmart. Let’s break down why, in the land of common sense, Walz wouldn’t even be hired as a manager at your neighborhood retail giant—but is apparently qualified to run for Vice President of the United States.
The "Military" Record: Tales from the Couch
Let’s start with the tale of Tim Walz’s illustrious military career—a saga that would make Forrest Gump blush. According to Walz, he’s seen the horrors of war, but if you dig a little deeper, you’ll find out his battle scars are more likely from wrestling with the TV remote. You see, Walz didn’t just serve his country; he served it—one weekend a month, and two weeks a year. If we’re doing the math, that’s 38 days of “military service” annually, or what most folks call “paid time off.”
Despite his claims of being a war hero, the closest Walz came to combat was probably deciding between pepperoni or sausage on his pizza. And while his website boasts of his heroic rank of Sergeant Major, in reality, he only reached Master Sergeant—just a small leap, really, if you don’t mind bending the truth into a pretzel.
Stolen Valor: When Pretend Becomes the New Reality
What’s a little embellishment among friends? Well, when it comes to claiming military honors you didn’t earn, it’s called Stolen Valor, and it’s actually a crime. But hey, who’s keeping track? Certainly not the people vetting candidates for the second-highest office in the land. Imagine if Walmart had this same hiring process: “Oh, you said you were an astronaut? Perfect! You’re hired as the store manager!”
But let’s get back to Walz. Apparently, when the heat was on and his unit was about to be deployed, our hero decided it was time to pack up his metaphorical cape and call it quits. The man who was supposedly ready to serve in Iraq ended up serving... well, nobody, except himself. Walz might not have made it to Baghdad, but he sure made it back to his couch in record time.
The DUI Arrest: A Glimpse into Walz's Judgment.
If Walz's questionable military record wasn’t enough, there’s also his 1995 DUI arrest to consider. This incident, which involved Walz getting behind the wheel under the influence, raises serious concerns about his judgment. While many have skeletons in their closets, most companies would view a DUI arrest as a significant red flag, particularly for someone aspiring to hold a leadership position. But in the world of politics, such details seem to be brushed aside as mere “youthful indiscretions.” For Walmart, however, this would be an automatic disqualifier.
The Radical Résumé: From “Tampon Tim” to Tyrant of Minnesota
But Walz’s résumé isn’t just padded with imaginary military exploits; it’s also dripping with his ultra-progressive policies. Known affectionately as “Tampon Tim” (because who doesn’t love a good nickname?),
Walz is the mastermind behind an executive order to stock male-designated public school bathrooms with menstrual products. Yes, because when young boys are struggling to pass math, what they really need is a tampon in their backpack—just in case!
But the absurdity doesn’t end there. Walz believes that kids who can’t even buy a beer should be able to waltz into a doctor’s office for gender surger. You know, just your average, everyday, totally not-insane policy.
And if you thought that was the pinnacle of his genius, think again. Walz also champions a woman’s right to abort a baby… whenever. Want to end a pregnancy at 42 weeks? No problem! In Minnesota, under Walz’s watchful eye, this is perfectly legal—because nothing says “progressive leadership” like taxpayer-funded late-term abortions.
And let’s not forget his Covid policies, where Walz played the role of Minnesota’s very own Gestapo commander, encouraging neighbors to rat each other out for daring to violate his draconian mandates. Sure, it’s a little “Nazi Germany lite,” but who’s counting?
Sanctuary State: Minnesota, Land of Free… Everything!
Walz’s vision for Minnesota doesn’t just stop at tampons in boys’ bathrooms or gender surgeries for minors. No, he wants to make Minnesota the first-ever sanctuary state where illegal immigrants are treated like royalty. Free healthcare, free education, free food, free housing—if you can flee to Minnesota, Walz will take care of the rest.
And to top it all off, Walz has rolled out the welcome mat for and provide drivers licenses to illegal immigrants who can’t speak English. Because what could possibly go wrong with giving out driver’s licenses to people who can’t read road signs? Nothing says “safe roads” like a driver who mistakes “Stop” for “Go” or “Detour” for “Drive off a cliff.”
The George Floyd Riots: Walz and Harris—Partners in Crime
As the nation reeled from the death of George Floyd, Minnesota became the epicenter of violence and destruction that rippled across the country. Tim Walz’s fingerprints are all over the deadly riots, his cheerleading and inaction gave cover to criminals as neighborhoods burned and hundreds of businesses were ransacked and destroyed. Walz did nothing to stop the carnage and destruction of the beautiful city of Minneapolis. Like his Democratic running mate, Walz called for defunding the police—a stance that not only impacted Minnesota but also spread to other states that embraced this new woke agenda.
After George Floyd’s death, pent-up frustrations, provocateurs, and inexperienced leadership led to mayhem for three nights. Not since the 1992 unrest in Los Angeles has an American city suffered such destructive riots. Like the Roman Emperor Nero, Walz watched Minneapolis burn to the ground, but instead of playing the fiddle as Nero did, he sat on his couch with his remote watching Minneapolis become a war zone. The profound consequences of Walz's failed leadership continue to plague the state of Minnesota and our nation even to this day.
The Bottom Line: Why Tim Walz Would Be Rejected by Walmart but Could Become VP
At the end of the day, if Tim Walz applied for a job at Walmart, he’d be shown the door faster than you can say “rollback.” But in the bizarre world of American politics, his creative lying, radical policies, and questionable ethics make him a prime candidate for Vice President. Because who needs integrity when you’ve got a “military record,” a sanctuary state plan, and a charming smile?
If Walz couldn’t make it past the background check for most companies, how is it that he qualifies to run as Vice President? What does this say about the leadership pool for the Democratic Party?
So, there you have it: Tim Walz, the man who would not be hired at a Walmart but might just manage to become Vice President. And people wonder why America is the land of opportunity!
*Parody*
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